Finally, when the light was shown to my face, the realization of my foolishness was discovered..Too bad it was too late. I felt good, I felt like everything was alright. But he was the same. Different. Not acting normal. The same. Upon asking what was wrong, he responded with "Nothing." Hours later I text him, " Do you still want to break up with me?" He responds "...I'm sorry..but I've been waiting nearly 2 years for you to realize, and it's too late. I don't want us to end but I just can't stay anymore."
Insisting that he still loves me, that he wants to be with me, but I can't..I just can't believe that. He's quitting. Tossing me away like some broken toy. He lost his patience. I feel unwanted. I feel that my progress was wasted. I feel like the world is ending. I'm shivering. Tears fall rapidly down my cheeks like racing missiles. When was the last time we were happy? Is he happy with me? I want us to work.
I don't want us to break. I can't think. I don't feel like eating. I don't feel like sleeping. Just crying. Ultimate depression. The saddest I've been. Despite the countless cheating boyfriends, the pain does not compare..This pain is on a whole different level. I don't feel like going on..
He has enough of me. He doesn't need me. He sees a future without me. I'm better off not in his life. But thinking of it, shatters me. If this is what he wants, I should let it happen.. but I just don't know what will happen to me. Thoughts of ending everything is flooding my brain. But counters from peers saying that I shouldn't think that way prevent me from doing so..
I feel as if I'll forever have everlasting pain. Hurting.
Never to be happy again.
But he'll be happy.
He'll find someone
Someone better than me.
Someone that will make him happy.
Maybe..if I really loved him, I'd accept it, and accept the pain. Hurting. Forever.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Blasphemy
There is something about my self confidence that screws up everything that I have in all my relationships. I have this feeling that because of my insecurities, bad things like my boyfriends end up cheating on me, happen. I'm surprised my current one is still here with me; After a year and 10 months. Jealousy is a prime issue with my self confidence. In fact, just today did I overreact to his lady friend that he finds "part of the family". I've been pretty jealous of her for a while now, because she is a shining definition of everything that I'm not. But if you were to say something like, Oh, if he picked you, and she's the total opposite of you, then he won't pick her. Yeah, well, he used to like her.
---------------------------------
As I strolled back to my classroom, anxiously skipping back as I thought of a way to wake my darling from his slumber on his desk, I giggled, imagining the way he would react. But as I stepped into the door frame of the class, I froze for a minute. He was talking to her. Even after the fact that before I had left, he complained that he was tired, and started to slumber deeply. It was shocking to find him wide awake, laughing quite hysterically and seeing her flirt to him. I almost felt betrayed. I composed my structure, "Oh.." I said, he looked at me with a smile as if what he was doing was normal. " Emi, you have to see this, it's so cute." His lady friend responded, revealing a picture of a kitten that she had recently bought at a local pet store. He chuckled, " It's so small; I'd like to come over your place to see him."
I honestly didn't know how to react. Whether to act like everything was perfectly fine, or explode. I did the safest thing. "Oh haha, it's cute." I responded uneasy...Then paced slowly to the back of the classroom where my seat had been placed. He followed me. "Why are you over here? Let's go back to the front." He suggested with a wide smile. I looked at him, small tears had already escaped the side of my eyes, " Why do you want to go over there so much?" He looked at me confused, then a sign of aggression emerged. " She's family to me Emi, I mean, I didn't even know she had a kitten."
--------------------------------------
Prom is coming up soon. I still need to get my dress. Though, after scrubbing the massive amounts of blood stains from my sheets after a tragic accident of forgetting it's the 20th of this month, I have become horribly emotional. Preparations and planning have been made to visit Bridal dress stores without the use of a car since he was too chicken to ask his father to take the car out. Planning was stressful. Though I wanted to try to make it easier for him, he shut me out and cut me off whenever I tried to speak. It irritated me. Though, I was able to calm down. What got to me was, his consistency to "dominant" me during our phone conversations.
I admit I probably did have attitude in my voice but at the time I didn't realize. He had asked me a question, and I started to answer it, but after the first few seconds he cut me off again; "Don't give me attitude." This seemed to poke a sensitive spot, in which, I started to burst into tears. However, even with the knowledge of his girlfriend crying, he still wanted to get the answers from me; not caring the fact that I could hardly think or speak because of me crying; and getting angry at me for that very same reason. I wanted to get out. I told him I needed to go. There was a pause, "I'll see you tomorrow, I love you." I responded, trying to speak through my trembling. Another pause. "Iloveyoutoo" He said it so fast I could barely understand it. Then I called his name, wanting to apologize but before I could, an abrupt crash came, then the dial tone. He hung up.
I texted him, "Do you understand why I'm like this?" He responded, " No, why the hell are you?" Honestly, if he couldn't figure out that I was emotional because of my period, (even after telling him earlier) then I just didn't want to deal. I didn't respond. He texted me, " Are we still going out tomorrow?"..."I'm going whether or not you're coming, so it's your choice." I responded.
Though, if he doesn't come, I'm assuming it's over.
---------------------------------------------
Sometimes I wish I wasn't a girl. Blasphemy.
---------------------------------
As I strolled back to my classroom, anxiously skipping back as I thought of a way to wake my darling from his slumber on his desk, I giggled, imagining the way he would react. But as I stepped into the door frame of the class, I froze for a minute. He was talking to her. Even after the fact that before I had left, he complained that he was tired, and started to slumber deeply. It was shocking to find him wide awake, laughing quite hysterically and seeing her flirt to him. I almost felt betrayed. I composed my structure, "Oh.." I said, he looked at me with a smile as if what he was doing was normal. " Emi, you have to see this, it's so cute." His lady friend responded, revealing a picture of a kitten that she had recently bought at a local pet store. He chuckled, " It's so small; I'd like to come over your place to see him."
I honestly didn't know how to react. Whether to act like everything was perfectly fine, or explode. I did the safest thing. "Oh haha, it's cute." I responded uneasy...Then paced slowly to the back of the classroom where my seat had been placed. He followed me. "Why are you over here? Let's go back to the front." He suggested with a wide smile. I looked at him, small tears had already escaped the side of my eyes, " Why do you want to go over there so much?" He looked at me confused, then a sign of aggression emerged. " She's family to me Emi, I mean, I didn't even know she had a kitten."
--------------------------------------
Prom is coming up soon. I still need to get my dress. Though, after scrubbing the massive amounts of blood stains from my sheets after a tragic accident of forgetting it's the 20th of this month, I have become horribly emotional. Preparations and planning have been made to visit Bridal dress stores without the use of a car since he was too chicken to ask his father to take the car out. Planning was stressful. Though I wanted to try to make it easier for him, he shut me out and cut me off whenever I tried to speak. It irritated me. Though, I was able to calm down. What got to me was, his consistency to "dominant" me during our phone conversations.
I admit I probably did have attitude in my voice but at the time I didn't realize. He had asked me a question, and I started to answer it, but after the first few seconds he cut me off again; "Don't give me attitude." This seemed to poke a sensitive spot, in which, I started to burst into tears. However, even with the knowledge of his girlfriend crying, he still wanted to get the answers from me; not caring the fact that I could hardly think or speak because of me crying; and getting angry at me for that very same reason. I wanted to get out. I told him I needed to go. There was a pause, "I'll see you tomorrow, I love you." I responded, trying to speak through my trembling. Another pause. "Iloveyoutoo" He said it so fast I could barely understand it. Then I called his name, wanting to apologize but before I could, an abrupt crash came, then the dial tone. He hung up.
I texted him, "Do you understand why I'm like this?" He responded, " No, why the hell are you?" Honestly, if he couldn't figure out that I was emotional because of my period, (even after telling him earlier) then I just didn't want to deal. I didn't respond. He texted me, " Are we still going out tomorrow?"..."I'm going whether or not you're coming, so it's your choice." I responded.
Though, if he doesn't come, I'm assuming it's over.
---------------------------------------------
Sometimes I wish I wasn't a girl. Blasphemy.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Overslept
I dreamt of waking up at 4am. So when I actually did wake up, I thought it was 4am, but it was actually 5:50am. I went back to sleep. I woke up at 6am to the sound of my brother's angry pounds to the door. I overslept. Only by a few minutes. But still, overslept. We drove to my school, late by the bell from 20minutes. I don't drive. I should. But I don't. School was boring, but informative. Four more days left. Finals. Great. I come home at 4pm. Instead of sleeping, I decide to rake the yard. No recognition from mother. No reward. I should have slept. I see dishes in the sink. Unwashed. It wasn't mine, but I had to wash it. The laundry was done. It wasn't mine, but I had to fold them. I have homework. I don't do it. I make a mocha. It's bitter. Put too much coffee in it. I like it. I eat dinner. Meat Jun with Kim Chee. Korean food is good. Milk doesn't really help with spicy stuff. Even though it's known for it. I'm getting a headache. It's 11:15pm. I should sleep. I have to wake up at 5:30am. Maybe that's why I overslept.
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